


The Devil Made Them Do It

by pulangaraw



Category: Lucifer (TV), The Exorcist (TV)
Genre: AU, Crack, Gen, Spoilers, because those exorcists need to lighten up a bit, imagine them meeting Luci, lets smash those shows together, no seriously, spoilers for Lucifer season 3, spoilers for The Exorcist season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-03 16:59:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14000559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pulangaraw/pseuds/pulangaraw
Summary: Father Thomas and Marcus enter a penthouse in L.A. expecting an exorcism. They did not, however, expect the devil...





	The Devil Made Them Do It

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sorry. This popped into my head and had to come out. Dear lordy, those two guys are so very serious, they need a bit of Lucifer in their lives.
> 
> Please heed the SPOILER WARNING. This fic does mention stuff from Season 3 of Lucifer and Season 2 of The Exorcist! (Vague but there!)

“It is the right place, I can feel it,” Thomas said as they rode up in the elevator.

Marcus only nodded, tense.

“Gentlemen, what can I do for you?” Lucifer asked the two men who had just stepped off the elevator into the penthouse. 

“You are Lucifer Morningstar?” the older man asked. 

“The one and only,” Lucifer said with a magnanimous smile and spread his arms wide. The whiskey sloshed in its glass but didn't spill. A skill Lucifer had mastered long ago. 

“Why would a man name himself after the devil?” the younger man asked in a Spanish accent. 

“Ah, but I’m the real deal, aren’t I,” Lucifer chided.

“You,” the older man’s voice was dry with sarcasm, “are the devil. The Lord of Hell.”

“The one and only. Which brings us to the question of who you are?” 

“I’m Marcus, this is Father Thomas.”

Lucifer stepped closer, spotted the distinctive collar around the younger man’s throat. 

“A priest, how exciting! And how may I help you gentlemen this fine evening? What desires bring you to my humble abode?”

“We’re just here to ask some questions.” Marcus’ gaze was sharp. “Was ist dein wahrer Name?”

Lucifer raised his eyebrows in surprise. “German?”

“¿Qué quieres aquí?” Father Thomas asked.

“Unde venistis?” Marcus shot out before Lucifer could even try to answer.

“Aaah,” he said, his smile widening. This was fun! “Exorcists. Haven’t seen any of you in quite a while. To answer your questions: Mein Name ist Lucifer Morgenstern. Vivo aquí. Ego veniam a Deo. J'accorde des faveurs à ceux qui les cherchent. Miláte epísis Elliniká?”

The two men looked at each other meaningfully. Thomas’ hand slowly, sneakily made its way towards his pocket. 

“Oh come on, surely that’s not enough proof for you! What about knowledge of things I cannot possibly know? Or magical powers? Shall I crawl on the walls?”

“You seem to know a lot about possession, Mr. Morningstar.”

Lucifer snorted. “I’m the Devil, of course I do.”

There was a moment of tense silence, then Thomas spoke, “Okay. You’re the Devil. Maybe you can tell us why there’s suddenly a lot of demons crawling out of hell and possessing people, integrating with them and trying to take over the Church?”

“Thomas,” Marcus hissed at his partner. 

Lucifer tilted his head to think over the question and all that it implied. “I’m afraid I am not entirely sure what you’re referring to. Maybe we could sit down and discuss this like civilised people? Would you care for a drink?”

He gestured towards the sofa setup to his right, then stepped left towards the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey and some glasses. He joined the two men where they were now sitting, stiff and uncomfortable-looking, on his rather comfortable and expensive sofa. 

“Now, what’s this about demons integrating? We haven’t been doing that since the Dark Ages.”

“Thomas,” Marcus said again, a clear warning.

Thomas shook his head at him. “No, this is the right thing to do. I know it is. You must trust me, Marcus.”

Marcus shook his head in return, but didn’t try to stop him again. Instead he fixed his gaze on Lucifer, watching him like a bug under a microscope. 

“Over the course of the last year, the Church has been infiltrated by a number of demons integrating with willing hosts. The Holy See is being undermined. Marcus says possessions in the US alone have doubled in number. Can you tell us anything about that?”

Lucifer frowned. “I’m afraid I’ve been rather busy here over the last few years… but if you have some time, I know someone who might be able to help us. These are rather worrying news.”

He plucked his mobile off the table and keyed in Maze’s number. “Ah, yes, Maze. Where are you right now? Wonderful. Would you care to come up to the penthouse, please. There’s some gentlemen here with questions you might be better qualified to answer than me. Thanks, we’ll wait.”

Luckily, it didn’t even take Maze five minutes to make her way from the club up to the flat. The tension in the penthouse was thick enough to be cut with a knife. Lucifer made sure to look as relaxed as he possibly could and sipped his whiskey. The priests ignored their glasses. 

“Maze, so good of you to join us. This is Father Thomas and Father Marcus. They’re exorcists and they’ve been asking me some rather odd questions. Fathers, this is Mazekeen.”

Thomas stared at Maze with his mouth open and Marcus half rose off his seat, a crucifix grasped tightly in his fist. 

“You’re a demon,” Thomas choked out.

“And you’re a fucking priest,” Maze shot back. She sat down next to Lucifer. 

“Now, now, there’s no need to go all antagonistic. We’re all friends here. Father Thomas, if you would care to repeat what you’ve just told me?”

“But how is this even possible?” Marcus said before Thomas could speak. “You’re not possessed and you’re not integrated. How can you even be here?”

Maze jerked a thumb at Lucifer. “Duh, Luci brought me with him.”

“It’s true,” Marcus whispered, looking between him and Maze. “Mater dei. Lucifer.”

Both Maze and Lucifer rolled their eyes. 

“Now he believes,” Lucifer said, “And before you get any stupid ideas, those trinkets don’t work on either of us, I’m afraid. Can we get back to business?”

Thomas swallowed heavily, then related to Maze what he’d just told Lucifer. 

Maze scowled. “That sounds iffy. My brothers wouldn’t leave of their own accord. Someone must be pulling their strings to get them to do this.”

“Daddy dearest?” Lucifer mused.

“You think God is convincing your demons to leave Hell and possess people?” Marcus spat, incredulous.

Lucifer shrugged. “I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s a right sneaky bastard when he wants to be. Took my devilface and put my wings back just recently and I still haven’t worked out why.”

At the look on the two priests’ faces, Lucifer grinned and stood up. “Wanna see?”

He spread his gleaming white wings out behind him. The two priests gasped simultaneously. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Maze said, “Can we get back to business here? If someone is pulling demons from Hell, that’s bad. We need them there to continue the tortures, keep the place running, remember?”

“Right,” Lucifer folded his wings away and sat back down.

“Is it just the two of you or are there others who know about this?”

“There’s a few others,” Marcus said cautiously. “We’re fighting back.”

“Good. Maze, I know you’re enjoying your new bounty hunter career, but what do you say to switching to hunting your brothers down and putting them back where they belong?”

Maze showed her teeth and pulled out a wickedly sharp-looking knife. 

“What about you?” Marcus asked.

“Ah, I’m a bit tied up here at the moment,” Lucifer prevaricated, “But Maze is really the one for the job anyway.”

“How can we trust a demon?” Thomas asked.

“What other option do you have?”

“We do what we’ve always done, we go it alone,” Marcus said, mouth set in a grim line.

“And that’s been going so well, has it?” Lucifer waved a hand dismissively. “Seriously, take Maze, go to wherever they’re congregating and let her do her thing. You’ll be back to counting your Sheep in no time.” 

“If you don’t want me along, I’ll go by myself,” Maze said, stroking her thumb over the edge of the knife. 

“This is not why we came here.” Marcus still looked unconvinced.

Lucifer let out a big sigh. “Look, would you feel better hearing this from an actual Angel? I can call my brother, let him explain it to you…”

“I am not staying in the same room as Amenadiel,” Maze spat. 

“Oh for Dad’s sake, Maze, get over it. He slept with Linda, you slept with Linda, you slept with him… from where I’m sitting you should just have a threesome and all your problems would go away.”

Maze snarled.

Thomas leant over to Marcus and whispered, “This is going to take a while, isn’t it.”

Marcus just shook his head in resignation.


End file.
